*These steps are in no way a bitter recollection of a bad roommate experience...
The Trick
1. Fool your prospective roommate(s) into believing you are an easy person to get along with, as well as reside under one roof with.
a. Make sure to take this to the extreme. Examples include, but are not limited to: meeting the prospective roommate(s) family, taking vacations with the prospective roommate(s), hanging out often, and essentially acting involved and invested.
b. Be sure to make empty promises to your prospective roommate(s). Examples include, but are not limited to: what you will contribute to the house in regards to furniture, food, and simple decor, shared television time, and equal driving time when traveling together.
c. Take necessary precautions so that your prospective roommate(s) do not communicate with your former roommate(s), in order to assure that your former roommate(s) will not warn your prospective roommate(s).
2. Be sure everything you have convinced your prospective roommate(s) is false and break any and all promises made.
The Trap
1. After a given amount of time living together, your roommate(s) may begin to notice your deceit. When the first traces of this begin to occur and your roommate(s) begin to question you and even pull away from your 'friendship,' flip the switch.
a. Tell your roommate(s) you have felt disgusting living in such a nasty house and whenever you are home alone you spend your time cleaning up the house. However, make sure this is a lie.
2. Bring emotions into the mix.
a. Tell your roommate(s) how you have experienced feelings of loneliness.
b. Proclaim that you feel left out and abandoned by your roommate(s).
3. Declare change.
a. Suggest that the house should spend more time together.
b. Suggest house bonding activities and suggest times that particularly work for you, but keep no one else's schedule in mind.
4. Feel incredibly sorry for yourself and make your days revolve around your pity parties.
5. Make sure your roommate(s) feel extremely guilty.
After mastering the trick and the trap, begin the sabotaging schemes of your choice. Examples include, but are not limited to: lying, stealing, leaving for long periods of time, and contributing nothing.
The Sabotage
1. Never tell the truth about anything.
a. If asked about borrowing or taking an item, always say NO (even if you did, in fact, borrow or take it).
b. Lie consistently about your family life. Family always reaches people an emotional level. Use this to your advantage. * Never let your roommates actually meet or communicate with your family- this could end badly for you.
c. When asked where you are going, never give specifics and always leave out major details. Go as far as to give wrong locations and fake people.
2. Take your roommate(s) belongings. This is the best form of sabotage, as stealing hurts people emotionally far more than materialistically.
a. Begin by stealing food. This can easily be blamed on someone else early on. In particular, take items that are your roommate(s) favorites and cannot be found everywhere, such as their favorite pineapple salsa or their specialty morning breakfast shakes. When taking food, finish the last of everything and never replace it.
b. Take your roommate(s) clothes. Whether you can or cannot actually wear them, take clothes and make them your own. Hang them in your closet, fold them in your drawers, wash them with your laundry. By doing this, you can attempt to fool your roommate(s) into thinking it was his or her clothing item to begin with. Try not to take too many pictures in your roommate(s) clothes, as they catch on via Facebook. However, when confronted- DENY, DENY, DENY.
3. Never drive anywhere. Always make your roommate(s) drive when traveling to the same location, as you do not want to use your own gas. This is particularly useful when taking long road trips. Be sure to not offer gas $.
4. If you break something, do not fix it.
5. If you spill something, do not clean it up.
6. Do not even think about putting your dishes in the sink, let alone rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher.
7. Always leave your belongings in the communal living space.
8. Turn on the lights every time you enter a room. Do not turn them off when you exit the room.
9. Cook a pot roast, leave it on the counter uncovered, and go out of town for approximately 6 days.
10. Never contribute anything.
a. Do not buy paper towels, as well as other various cleaning supplies. However, be sure to complain when they are out.
b. Suggest "house dinners" but do not buy any food items. Offer to cook, but somehow disappear when it comes time to help. Be sure to reappear when the food is on the table.
c. Use the television your roommate paid for to watch programs no one else is interested in, such as the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (feel sorry for yourself and fish for compliments via social networking sites after watching this).
d. Do not contribute any furniture to the house, including your own bed, but complain about all of it.
11. Drive drunk often.
12. Have random men spend the night. Make sure to walk around in your undergarments in front of everyone when they are over, in order to assure everyone else is uncomfortable.
13. Lock the door to the laundry room while your roommate(s) clothes, towels, etc. are in the wash. This will ensure that they have to their laundry more than once, as it will have sat in the washing machine for far too long....because of course, you do not have time to come home and unlock the laundry room door in which you hold the key.
14. Complain as much as possible.
15. Again, feel extremely sorry for yourself.
*The Sabotage can be refined according to your personal preference. Whatever you decide, take it to the extreme.
The Goodbye
1. Sob obnoxiously and uncomfortably when your roommate(s) communicate that they are moving out.
2. Use the guilt trip to your extreme advantage.
With these simple and easy steps, you can become a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad roommate TODAY!
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